Phenomenal Woman

How often do we find people around us bullied for their shortcomings? Insulted for things that are innately theirs? All my life, I’ve watched people being brutally insulted for things like the colour of their skin, their weight, their intelligence, and for other mental and physical aspects that says nothing about their personality.

Now, how often do we find people who crucially criticize every single aspect of their own being? How often do we look down upon ourselves, and constantly self-deprecate, when no other external factor has any role to play in this activity? Not as much, in my opinion.

I’m one of those few people who fell under the second category. It’s nothing my friends did. I’ve just always felt like I’m not worth looking at. I felt fat, and ugly, believed that I’m the worst combination of any random gene selection.

The next question one might ask is why? Or how? How did I manage to convince myself of this appearance, when I had no external factor to play a part in my self-disgust?

It all started with my beautiful younger sister. I saw her smooth skin and big pretty eyes, and how right her face looked as opposed to my wrong small eyes and spotty face. This progressed into thinking how small frames would fit into any sized clothes, and how mine was always a misfit. Large hips, huge face, fat legs, all WRONG. Everything about me was wrong.

The next step I took was setting a barrier around me. Why even bother, I thought, if no boy is going to like this overload of calories. Anyone who complimented me evoked my hatred. How dare they make fun of me, I thought. I shunned them all, for saying simple things like, “I like your hair today”.

Loose clothes, no makeup, no shorts, I started trying to make myself invisible. Why even bother, I thought, if it’s never going to do its magic on you. My friends continued loving me, but with every passing day, I loved myself a little less.

My self-esteem hit rock bottom. I had reached a point where I couldn’t look at myself without feeling sorry. I started scathing my skin, picking at myself every passing minute, and avoiding eye contact with most people because I was constantly in fear of being judged, for being looked at by others, the way I look at myself. Why even bother, I thought, if your features will never change.

But then, suddenly, everything did. I remember picking up this poetry book and reading this beautiful poem called ‘Phenomenal Woman’, by Maya Angelou. It’s written by an overweight, African American, who at her time was considered to be ugly. She was derogated for things that were out of her control, like the colour of her skin or her bulbous features. But she never let others’ opinions affect her. She was the true flag bearer of the word ‘self-love’, and adored herself so much that everybody around her fell in love with her. She spoke about how much she loved herself in the poem, despite the constant negativity that surrounded her.

When I finished reading the poem, I felt ashamed of myself. How dare I have the audacity to shame myself for what God has given me, when this woman loved herself despite all the snide comments that were passed at her on a daily. How dare I hate myself, when all I receive from the people around me is love, compassion, and encouragement?

The next day, I looked at myself in the mirror, smiling, and I couldn’t see the ugly that I had been looking at all these years. The small, piercing eyes had replaced this beautiful, almond shape that twinkled if you looked straight into them. The craters on my face that I often hid under a dollop of foundation looked like an adornment, like a battle scar, like something I should carry with pride on my body. My huge hips and thighs started looking to me like an added advantage to my pear shaped figure. I liked the way I looked, and felt like a huge bag of air had been pumped into my chest. I stood across the mirror, filled with pride.

Ever since, I look at myself every day and like myself better. I started wearing what I liked, (even shorts!), and loving my look. I complimented myself each day, and felt uplifted. Everyday a little more sweet, everyday a little more attractive, I truly felt like the ‘Phenomenal Woman’.

Today, I wouldn’t mind losing a few kilograms, but I’m still happy if I don’t. I feel special, and confident, and have the courage to put myself out there.

Maya Angelou, in her poem says:

“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies;

I’m not cute nor built to fit a fashion model’s size,

But when I tell them, they still think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips,

The stride in my step and the curl of my lips.

I’m a woman,

Phenomenally

Phenomenal Woman.

That’s me.”

The “phenomenal woman” had me discovered an anomaly. When you love yourself , there is no force in the world that can alter your self-worth. You are enough, and you are exhaustive. You only ever need YOURSELF.

Why even bother, I BELIEVE, to change something so perfect. I love myself the way I am. Anyone who gets to be me is fortunate.

Hey Everyone- My name is Madalsa and I’m 23 years old as of 24th May, 2021. Kind of petrified to be releasing such a personal and important piece of my heart publicly- as the first article ever on my profile.

A little about this piece- I wrote it when I was 17, and never released it anywhere because I was too scared. I decided to put it up now, because I realise this is important for those who feel less than, or undeserving of. I hope this read gives you the courage to look beyond the lens you’re so accustomed to, and to see yourself for who you truly are- forever beautiful.